1st Transfer: The One

As of February 28th, 2020 we are the proud parents of our first ever frozen EmBaby. We were overjoyed and couldn't wait to transfer our little baby! Though we had done 3 retrievals, we had never been this far...and we were not prepared. The FET cycle, Frozen Embryo Transfer, is just as precise as the retrieval cycle. Before you are cleared for the FET cycle, you have to do a saline sono for the doctor to make sure your uterus is a hospitable environment with no polyps or fibroids.

Everything changed

I was scheduled to have my saline sono on March 19th, but then COVID-19 would shut down all "elective" surgeries. My nurse, Heidi, called me with a hesitant tone to tell me my appointment was cancelled due to COVID-19. Poor thing knew how hard we had hoped for our ONE embryo. I felt selfishly crushed and disappointed. In the midst of a global pandemic, I was crying because I still had to wait for a chance at becoming a mom.

However, can i just say the term "elective" just lit a fire in me? I didn't choose to have infertility, and I certainly feel the term elective makes it demeaning to all of us who try so hard to have a chance at something people just get to do so freely. The term elective sent me spiraling because no I didn't elect for this process. It is the only choice our family has for a biological child. This is a conversation for another post. Just know, I felt more than I probably should have when I was told "elective" surgeries were suspended...and don't even throw out the term, "non-essential". Maybe because I'm an enneagram 4, but those two words just added to the emotions I already felt. It should be noted that I love and appreciate the medical professional community and I trust those who are well equipped to make these decisions on our safety. All I'm saying is I would appreciate an easier term.

COVID-19 changed our everyday life. I have an auto immune disease, so we were cautious. We became cautious about all things COVID. We went from flying to and from doctor appointments to not even leaving our house to go to the grocery store. This disease spread so rapidly. Our only defense is washing our hands and wearing a mask.

Each night as we prayed, we felt this little nudge leading us to open up about our journey. After many late night chats, Brandon encouraged me to write down our story and share it. We read a scripture one night that challenged us, "They conquered him completely through the blood of the Lamb and the powerful word of their testimony.They triumphed because they did not love and cling to their own lives, even when faced with death." (Rev. 12:11 TPT) Those words started something new within us. We are believers. We believe we are covered by the blood of the lamb, Jesus. Are we bold enough to overcome by the words of our testimony? Can we triumph because we love our creator more than our desire to cling to what is happening? We ask ourselves these questions often. Our decision was that if one word I write, or one post points someone to Jesus, it would all be worth it. We want nothing more than to shed light on a disease that isolates so many and savagely takes hope. We want to encourage others that there is a purpose, a way to overcome, and to especially shed light on the darkest parts of this journey that, not for a second, has anyone walked this path alone.

So we played around with finding the right website to host the blog. Then we started the conversation of coming up with a name. What do you call a blog for the hardest journey you've ever walked that contains hints of a nice positive vibe? We decided on Being Brooks because this is our journey. This is how we are being us.

Are we FET ready?

March and April went by like a blink. Elective procedures were still not permitted. We live in Texas, so we were one of the firsts states to open up post national lock down. Texas opened up in phases towards the end of May. Phase 3 would allow elective procedures to resume.

Thursday May 21st, we would have the sono that would tell us when we could start meds for the FET cycle. This appointment was the first appointment of many that would be different because of how Rona has changed our world. Now, I would go to appointments alone, wear a mask, and text the office when we had arrived. To anyone who does these appointments alone under normal circumstances, you are amazing. I know how hard it is to go to these appointments alone now and it made me realize all that I took for granted.

The sono I was having is not the most pleasant test and it was challenging to go through alone. Brandon waited for me in the car as I held my own hand, while Dr. C took pictures to see the health of my uterus. Dr. C found 2 polyps and a fibroid. So that meant surgery, which they assured me was no big deal. The surgery would push our transfer off to the 4-6 weeks following the surgery. That following Monday I would have the surgery.

Dr. C walked us through what to expect for the surgery. She told us what to be prepared for. I also learned that I would have to be COVID tested before the surgery. My heart goes out to the professionals who have to administer that test.

Monday we showed up, were given a hospital approved mask, and waited for the nurse to take me back for the procedure. Brandon was allowed to wait in the waiting room, but that was it. When they buzzed us (yes, they had buzzers, like at a restaurant, that let you know when it is your time), we said goodbye and I entered into a world I had not seen. Nurses, medical staff, patients, and Doctors were covered head-to-toe in PPE. The nurse that gave me an IV was so nice, but I never truly saw her face. It broke my heart that this is their new normal. Their everyday life of seeing patients consisted of neither party truly seeing each other's face. I cried after I was given my IV, blood pressure cuff, and that little E.T. looking light that monitors your heart. I felt so sad to see these people living this way; I felt even sadder that I was needing to have this surgery in the middle of a global pandemic. Shout out to the medical professionals. Y'all are the real MVP's.

Dr. C came to check on me and to bring me back to surgery. As we were going back for the surgery, the anesthesiologist had begun to administer the sleeping juice. All I remember is waking up with my mask on and feeling extremely cold. I couldn't stop shaking. Dr. C got the polyps out and checked my lining. The fibroid I have is small and not in the way, so she didn't take it out. All things looked good. The next 4 weeks, we would continue meds to prepare for our transfer. At this point, transfer was scheduled for June 25th! We would find out the 6th if we were pregnant! We were so excited. It was finally happening.

The FET cycle starts with a shot in the abdomen every day for about 4 weeks. I started those shots the day of my saline sono. Then about 5 days before transfer, I would start PIO. This was the first shot Brandon would give me in my upper hip area. The PIO is probably the worst shot. We had pretty much every kind of surprise with them, from bruising, random bleeding, knots, soreness, and all the emotional symptoms. PIO made me extremely tired. I would sleep soooo much and still wake up feeling unrested. On top of that shot, I was on estrogen and an estrogen patch to help grow my lining to transfer the EmBaby to a safe, hospitable environment.

We went in for routine scans to measure my lining. These checks were weekly, instead of every other day. I have always had thick lining, so that is why Dr. C didn't see the polyps initially. During the 2nd scan, my lining was too thin. This had never happened, but we did pray for thin lining for the retrieval, so maybe that's why it was so thin. Dr. C added the estrogen patch to my rounds of medication. Then, I would come back in another week. Well the following week, the same thing showed up during the scan...My lining was barely too thin. Dr. C aims for perfection, which I admire, so we pushed the transfer back to June 30th. This changed our plans.

June 26th, my lining was perfect. It was just as it should be, so it would be preferable for the transfer to be on the 30th.

June 30th, Transfer day!

We woke up in our hotel room ready to have a baby. We were ready for our miracle embryo to attach, grow month by month, and make it into our arms. Oh the dreams we have for this little one! We worshipped that morning, singing praises to our King who made a way when there was no way. We cried out, we prayed, we were in complete surrender, ready to receive.

For the transfer, I couldn't wear any scents, such as lotion or makeup, so I went full on natural. You really don't realize all you use that has a scents in it. Most importantly, I had to drink 40 ounces of water an hour before to prepare for the transfer. It would be at 11:40. I drank all 40+ ounces by 10:40. We went to the office, texted we were ready, and waited. Brandon wouldn't be able to go in the room with me another time. I cried. I literally hate doing anything hard without him.

As I waited, I FaceTimed Brandon. Then the sweetest picture I would ever receive was given to me. It was our sweet EmBaby's first of many pictures. This picture was such a treasure. This was a moment I wish Brandon was there for, but I'm thankful we could share it via FaceTime.

Meanwhile that nagging feeling of needing to pee hit me again. Brandon was so sweet. He prayed over me, read me scriptures, and reminded me why we were doing this. I was crying literal tears because I had to pee so bad. Literally, the hardest part of this whole thing was not peeing my pants. I couldn't even imagine opening my legs for the transfer at that moment.

Dr. C's nurse came to check on me. I told her I had to use the restroom urgently, and she told me I was the next patient. I could hold my bladder. I can just imagine Brandon and all the nurses laughing so hard at me deep down. I bet I looked so silly crying because I wanted to pee.

Dr. C came in, she saw I was dancing with urgency, and could tell I was sad Brandon couldn't be there...even though I had him on FaceTime. FaceTime isn't the same, but I'm thankful for it. Dr. C asked for the picture of our sweet EmBaby and grabbed my hand. She asked if she could pray for us. I shook my head yes, as a million tears began to stream down my face. In that moment, I forgot I had to pee, All I could think of was how thankful I was for Dr. C and how thankful I am for the miracle God had given us in our embryo.

The Embryologist called me to report our EmBaby survived the thaw and was ready to be transferred. I didn't even know that there was a possibility for them to not survive the thaw, so we were thankful for our blessing once more!

As I got up to walk, the nurse saw my struggle. She allowed me to release a little of my bladder. Using the restroom in that state was even harder than not peeing my pants. The hardest part is having your bladder so filled.

We went into the OR for the transfer. They scanned my bladder, it was still completely filled. Dr. C said, "I'm not surprised. You are an overachiever in everything. I wouldn't expect any less." We laughed. In the OR, I had this giant screen to look at. I was FaceTiming Brandon so he could see it too. Luckily he recorded the whole thing. He's always prepared!

We weren't prepared for how beautiful it was to see our EmBaby, live and in person, for the first time. When Dr. C placed her right in my uterus, it was like a little light just popped up out of nowhere that would live inside me. She was safely tucked away in my uterus. It was amazing. This was really happening!

I laid there for 10 minutes after the transfer. Then I was allowed to use the restroom. Finally! I was assured by Dr. C that she couldn't fall out by using the restroom. Such great relief and joy.

I was so excited. I couldn't wait to see Brandon, so we could begin our life as a family of 3! The hope we had was overwhelming. We were excited that our dream of becoming a family was quickly becoming a reality.

Then our hope would lead us to another round of the waiting game. This waiting game would be called the two week wait. Two weeks we would have to wait to find out if we got a Big Fat Positive.