Transfer #2: Road To Our Rainbow Baby

Hello there. It has been quite a while since I put into words the most recent progression of our Infertility journey. Spoiler: We indeed have a healthy baby boy. He's 22 months old! Full disclosure, I walked away from blogging our infertility journey because everything in my life became overwhelmingly more than I ever thought I was capable of processing, let alone blog about. Reflecting back on where we were after that last post feels as though a different person wrote those things. I started this blog to tell our story as a testimony of the goodness of God. Where there was despair and brokenness, I wanted to share how it didn't crush us. I felt this urgency to share all the Lord was doing. At the time I thought it was me walking out in faith to advocate to a community that is often isolated. I never imagined it was to tell about a miraculous redemptive testimony. So here I am, back at it to tell the most beautiful story of a fulfilled promise. My last post...2 years ago, left me, and hopefully you, with so much optimism. Yet, optimism was the farthest thing I felt as our story would unfold. Hope should have been center stage, but it was displaced by trials. Reflecting on my beautiful pregnancy and birth of my Miracle Rainbow Son is difficult. It is certainly NOT how I imagined my long awaited debut into motherhood to go. So, welcome back to the place that stretched me far beyond what I imagined possible. It’s been quite the journey since I’ve last written, but here goes sharing the continuation of our story.

Transfer Number 2: 10.21.21

We started this day as we did any day. I remember this day specifically because Brandon was nervous. For once he was anxious, and I was cool calm and collected. It was strange for us to be switched and for me to be on this side of things. This transfer Brandon was allowed in the room with me. Yay! He even took a video of the transfer. We eagerly went into the procedure with higher expectations since this time our embryos were genetically tested. Listen, walking this journey we've been on, genetic testing brought us peace of mind. We transferred one embryo and waited for a hopeful miracle.

For us IVF Mamas that have endured IVF retrievals, the transfer cycle is a whole different ball game. While it is exciting, it is another challenge. Definitely not as fun as the other option for conceiving a child. In an IVF transfer cycle, on top of perfectly timed injections, your bladder has to be filled for the transfer. Not just somewhat filled but filled to the point that feels as though you could explode at any moment. Perhaps this is why Dr. C said I was an over achiever. Then you remain in that feeling AS they transfer the embryo. If you have ever held your pee, let me just tell you this is a whole new level. Then, after the transfer, the staff assures you relieving your pain will not affect the embryo's ability to implant. Today, as I recount that pain of the transfer, I can confidently say it was worth it AND simultaneously remains the most PAINFUL part of my pregnancy journey.

In the coming days, I tried very hard to be calm and not worry. Dr. C told us she would see us 11.1.21 for my HCG test in office. 10 days is a long time to wait and not be anxious. Heck, 10 minutes is a long time for me to wait and not grow anxious. But the Lord was growing me. If I can wait 10 days…I can do anything right? In those 10 days, I studied (Shout out to being a graduate now! Master Brooks at your service… practicing LPC-A), watched shows, and tried not to take a pregnancy test. I remember feeling like it worked, I told Brandon on Saturday, 10.30.21 that I was just going to take a test. He of course said no. So what did I do? Took one in secret.

Results of Waiting

Sunday morning, 10.31.21. There it was… it was only my second time to see that beautiful positive... I was pregnant! I spoiled my secrecy by running into the bathroom where Brandon was showering and pressed the test up to the shower door. He quickly jumped out and we both began to sob. We cried out to Jesus and prayed for protection over our Rainbow Baby. Just when I thought we were at the highest, my mom would call me with news that my Dad was having a stroke. I can’t possibly describe how I felt in that moment or the months to come. There we were, incredibly blissfully happy our dream of parenthood would come true, just as a horrible tragedy would strike my family.

The hardest part about reflecting on my pregnancy is remembering all that happened that day and what would unfold the months following. I never imagined that when I was finally pregnant, I would lose my normal. It's hard to admit that because we are grateful my Dad has made progress and our relationship is better than before, but it is simply not the same. So when I recount my first moments of being pregnant, I am reminded of loss and weighed down by grief.

In an instant I messaged through the portal to cancel our appointment with Dr. C for blood work to confirm the transfer’s success. We needed to be in town to see what would unfold with my Dad. I went to my OB to get labs run to confirm the health of the pregnancy. That day should have been the happiest day, and I was excited to be pregnant. I was just more angry that the joy I should have felt was also intertwined with sadness, anger, and despair. Later that day, I got the call while in the hospital processing through a range of emotions. It was confirmed. I was indeed pregnant. Instead of crying and rejoicing with my nurse, I broke down on the phone in the hallway of a hospital about my Dad. To tell you how much I adore our Nurse Laura is an understatement. The kindness she allotted me that day on the phone as she cheerfully transitioned to empathy touched my aching heart.

As I think back to that very moment—the confirmation that I was pregnant, to the reality of unknowns we were dealing with—I remember grief setting in. You see, when we started IVF, I felt like it was my fault. I knew the tests would say it’s my fault. In 2016 when we got married, I started praying over my body to be able to conceive. Doing IVF made that tiny, doubtful voice echo, "Are you sure your body is able?" louder. After losing 2 babies, that little voice became a constant thought. One that would lead me to dark places. Thankfully Brandon always shed light in my darkest moments to point me back to Jesus, who was there every time I felt low. Those dark moments did not stop once I was pregnant. I know, I know. You're thinking, "But you've waited how long to celebrate?! How can you say that?!" The stress I felt in the moment it was confirmed I was pregnant became more complicated due of situations outside of my control. I learned my very first parenting lesson that first week: I cannot control things outside my control; all I can do is pray to the One who holds it all together. So that's just what we did. When something devastating happens, it shifts your perspective and urges you to hold on tighter. For us, we clung fiercely to the Lord. The only way we could make it each day would be by His guidance and provision. All the weeks following were intertwined with hoping for the improvement of my Dad and anxiously growing a miracle.

November 19th was our first sonogram. It felt unreal. I cried the entire appointment. There was a baby with a heartbeat growing inside of my womb! The joy we felt as parents in that moment was absolutely incredible. I can say with every moment since, that excitement and fear has grown each day that little heart has grown outside my body. Then on December 3rd, we graduated from our fertility clinic! I cried so much that my eyes are closed in all of the pictures. I am and will continue to be forever grateful for Dr. C at FST! That small step of transferring care to my OB, made our dream of parenthood a little more of a reality. We were pregnant for real!

I began to cherish the moments I had with my growing baby, but that did not mean there were not moments of fear. Fear that I was so not prepared to process. As an IVF mom I have been through many trials, so why wasn't I running a victory lap or feeling like those pregnant goddesses you see on Instagram? You see, loss changes you. No matter where you are, no matter how hard you try to remind yourself, it is there to bring back memories of what you lost. Because every loss matters! Which means grieving happens even while a wanted miraculous pregnancy occurs. I was unaware of this fear setting in to echo frequently as I walked through pregnancy. I had moments where I doubted the flutterings because I was still in doubt of my body's capability. I would have to pray and seek solace often so it would not consume me. My prayer life became the strongest part of me. I can say for certain, those precious moments where my loneliness and fear would fade only happened when I sought the One who knows to calm the seas of doubt. I can't imagine walking this journey without Jesus, and I would pick him every single time. I can't explain it more than that, He saved, restored my heart, and gave me rest when I was weary. Looking back on those months, I honestly can't believe all that I went through. There were so many ups and downs that we endured and made it out healthy. Though I feared greatly, there was not one greater than the One who could overcome it. AND I was growing a miracle, even in those moments of doubt.

Brandon being the most incredible husband reminded me constantly that Tobias is our miracle. Even though my pregnancy was not how I imagined it would be, it was exactly how it was supposed to be. I waited such a long time to be here, so I expected growing a human to be more glamorous than it actually was. The truth for my pregnancy with Tobias is that I was sick EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Still, my little guy kept growing! I learned the key to a healthy pregnancy is to stay hydrated, and I sure focused on hydration. I can say now, I never had those fun movie like cravings. I sure did have the sleepless nights and hormonal times, but on top of pregnancy, I was processing through a lot of family stuff. Nothing like the swing of family dilemmas to really amp up the hormonal emotions. Each day, Brandon reminded me that our answered prayer was growing stronger inside of my womb, only because of the Lord's provision. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through without Brandon. Every turn, every hard moment, he was there, patient and kind. God truly blessed my life with him.

Waiting while Celebrating

We decided to go on a Baby-moon in March 2022 to celebrate our miracle boy! We deserved a little getaway and Brandon found a nice resort in Colorado Springs. As a bonus, the flight wasn't too long, so I could cope with this pesky morning sickness and travel somewhere new to us. While planning our trip, we decided we'd do a maternity shoot. We met with a photographer via Zoom before we arrived and told her our story. She was eager to take pictures of our growing family, and had even done a Rainbow shoot before. Bonus! She provided EVERYTHING, from hair and makeup, to the beautiful maternity gowns! The first thing we did when we flew in was try on gowns. I have never felt more like a princess than in that moment. It was just what I needed to bring a spark of joy back into my pregnancy. Which to be honest, sounds horrible to admit. As excited as I was to be pregnant, it seemed like the ceiling was falling at every turn. I loved my time with Brandon in Colorado Springs. I loved meeting the people we did. Brandon and I had such a lovely time. It even included a surprise run in with my bestie Iz and her husband. The Broadmoor was an incredible Baby-moon destination. 10/10 would recommend. It definitely recharged our soul and prompted us onto the last trimester!

By the third trimester, we had probably done 10 extra entertainment scans because I was so anxious about having a baby. My mental health needed reassurance that my body was indeed doing something I doubted it capable of. While doing these many scans, I made a new friend, Callie. Everyone should have the kindest entertainment ultrasound tech like her. She brought joy to every scan. I'm grateful that the Lord provided moments for me to see his miracle work. I have always been a firm believer in walking by faith, yet in my most desperate hour I needed that image. Walking through losing babies changes everything. It makes you doubt your body and makes your heart heavy with fear. I remain grateful that I had opportunities to see my growing miracle whenever those burdens set in.

Then the best and most surreal day came. I had a baby shower. In my honor for MY baby boy. It was wild having family and friends celebrate my baby. All in attendance were familiar with the journey we took and celebrated the miracle that is Tobias! Though I was sick, I enjoyed every single part of that celebration. The surrealism that our miracle would be here so soon was hard to fathom.

End of Waiting

July 3rd we went to the hospital for mild contractions. We did our due diligence...and they sent us home after 3 hours. July 4th, the real contractions set in. It is funny to remember. I was laboring while my neighborhood was popping off the most festive display of Independence, aka fireworks. July 4th, I labored all night. It was the beginning of my 44-hour—yes, 44 HOUR—labor. We did everything our birthing class taught us, yet my contractions were consistently a good 7-8 minutes apart.

July 5th, we would go to see our OB for our 39 week check while I was contracting every 7-6 minutes. The drive from our house to the doctor, I was about ready to just do a c-section. I was exhausted from not sleeping a consistent amount of time. Little did I know that was just the beginning. When I was called back, Brandon had to answer, as I was already struggling to speak. Then as I sat on the exam chair, my water broke! No exam or anything. I sat there and thought, "Oh crap, did I just pee myself?" Nope, just my water breaking... it was officially go time! We were ready. We had our bags because I was exhausted from contractions. I was ready for whatever the doctor wanted to do. My birth plan may have originally been natural childbirth, but after hours of contractions and no sleep, a C-section was not entirely off the table. Luckily for me, my OB didn't let exhausted by contractions Amber change the birth plan. I was already at a 4 when my water broke. Things were progressing as they should. We were having a baby!!

Our time at the hospital was not what I expected. Our hospital is what it is. Definitely not a luxurious place with those incredible birthing suites and fancy family beds. Nope. It is as standard a hospital can be in West Texas. I wish I had video of us entering the hospital. My memory made me chuckle. It is hilarious to recount. Brandon was carrying all the bags and I was constantly grabbing him to sway as contractions hit, which was every 7-6 minutes. Thankfully a sweet bystander saw us struggling to walk and brought me a wheel chair. I'm forever grateful for the kindness of this stranger. As we went in to check in, per the usual in said West Texas Hospital, there was no room available. I've never felt closer to Mary giving birth to Jesus in a stable than in that moment. I was weighed in and answered so many questions then waited as patiently as I could as contractions kept coming,

When we finally arrived to our birthing room, a switch hit inside of me and I became silent. Seriously, I stopped talking. I was laboring well and Brandon was the best support. He did every position, held my hips, wiped my tears, and held my hair as I puked. If you thought this miraculous birth would have a beautiful labor story, I'm sorry to shock you, it was anything but beautiful. My labor was not pretty. I was sick, I was uncomfortable, I was crying, and lucky me, my contractions also triggered some muscle spasms in my spine. Thanks ankylosing, you really let the good times roll!

The crazy moments when I wanted to give up, Brandon would remind me of our plan, read scripture (I know who needs that when you've just puked for the 100th time, but let me tell you, it did indeed help), played my playlist, and tried all the different positions to partner with me in this birth. I may have been the quietest I have ever been in my entire life, yet Brandon's actions loudly displayed his love for me and Tobias. I can't tell you over the course of my pregnancy how many times I threw up and made a mess, laid down exhausted only for him to gently take care of it all. Truly, my pregnancy journey, and even our parenting journey, is a path exposing what true love is. As I labored, I became more aware of the reality of what it means to do anything for love. Brandon may not have had contractions, but he timed every single one, held my hair every single time I got sick, and encouraged me through it all. There is truly nothing more beautiful than thinking of how great we were as a couple during labor and delivery. God provided in every moment. He orchestrated every part and I have never felt it more than in that moment. His plan is best.

July 5th, 2022 at 10:58 pm, Tobias made his grand debut, weighing in at 7lbs 13 oz and 20.5 inches long. After hours of contractions and continuing on without an epidural and my original birth plan, it was time to push. I was ready and so was he. I pushed 3 times. It took 7 minutes and the most beautiful miracle, angel, rainbow baby boy entered our world. It was seriously so fast. Brandon said he was not ready for how fast Tobias got here. I mean, we read stories about hours of pushing. Nope, 3 pushes for us. 7 minutes. It was as though the Lord whispered, "Y'all have endured enough." No one can tell me otherwise. Pushing 3 times and having a healthy baby boy after 7 minutes was the most redeeming part of our story. Years we had longed for the moment to gaze upon the face of our child, hoped for the moment that we would become parents, and in 7 minutes, all our hopes and dreams became a reality.

The moment my precious baby was laid on my chest, my whole world changed. I cried in a way that gave healing to every hurting moment and joy to what the future held. Holding Tobias and having all the tears in my eyes felt nothing short of miraculous. The Lord is so good. It is true what scripture says: "Children are an inheritance of the Lord."

I constantly processed being prepared to see his face in real life, but the one thing I was not prepared for was the moment of sadness as I looked at his face. I couldn't help but wonder what my other angel babies looked like. This thought would pop up frequently and still has its moments. It is a weird feeling having sorrow and joy coexist, but that very moment was the beginning of my understanding that there can be happiness and gut-wrenching sadness in the same breath. Devastated that I don't know what my other angel babies look like, yet overwhelmingly grateful to hold my son on this side of Heaven. For me, that is what made my labor beautiful. I held my miracle baby that I had often times doubted God would provide. I smiled down on the face of an angel and knew only God could do this. It is rare that a first time Mom pushes 3 times in 7 minutes. BUT God wanted to give us a full miracle, birth story included. I am amazed and honored to have such a beautiful memory of a day that changed our family. Every single shot, difficult conversation with Dr. C, and any challenge we faced over the last 3 years brought us to where we are now. There is only one way this story plays out victorious: Through Jesus. There is no explanation that can justify a healthy full term pregnancy to two individuals with a less than 1 % chance of conceiving.

"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matt 19:26)."

Here we sit, 22 months later, and we still can't believe we are on this side of our journey. Blessed that we have a miracle TODDLER that spends his days talking our ear off. Amazed that we made it this far. That our miracle baby boy has been a delight. Each day I fall more in love with Brandon. Our desire to be parents is unmatched for our love for Tobias. What would you expect out of two people that did not give up on their dream of parenthood? I'd like to say that our reality is far greater than anything we could have dreamed up. I guess it's true what they say: Timing is everything.