The Results of Waiting

Two things I learned in the two week wait. One, I have the most random thoughts. Have you ever stopped to think about who is capable of producing offspring? I know I never thought about it until we were faced with infertility and most definitely didn't contemplate it until the two week wait hit us. Cats have a litter, dogs have the most adorable puppies, and elephants have the cutest lil baby elephants. Literally, any creature has the ability to freely produce offspring without testing, bruising shots, or even having their business examined more often than preferred.

Secondly, we watch a lot of movies while we wait. We also learn new things about movies we've already seen. Man, we're the coolest couple around.

After the transfer Brandon and I spent a few days in our hotel near our doctor. We relaxed in true Brandon and Amber fashion...we watched all 3 Lord of the Rings extended editions and prayed constantly. We thanked God for our miracle every minute we thought of lil baby Em growing...which just happened to be ALL THE TIME.

July 3rd we left the safety bubble of our hotel and headed to my family ranch to spend the 4th of July with family. I did every trick in the book to keep our embryo in to stick! Drank hot raspberry leaf tea each night, ate avocado EVERY DAY, took all the vitamins, and remained calm...no stress allowed! We love the serenity of the ranch. It was a fun way to waste a few days before our HCG test on the 8th. We believe in speaking life, so we did. We believe in our heart baby Em is a girl, so we used female pronouns when referring to her. Just to clarify, we opted not to do PGS/PGT (genetic testing) since we only had one. So we aren't literally sure baby em is a girl but we are in our hearts so that's all that mattered to us. We were living on hope and faith alone. Those days of waiting were so great, our belief was so strong. It was our time to start our family, we could just feel it.

HCG Test

The test was at 11, so we could leave home at 6am that morning to get there in time. We woke up with a purpose. I got dressed all cute, just so when we got our BFP, big fat positive, I was photo ready. Let's talk about expectations versus reality. I expected to get the test results at the appointment and Dr. C would come in and celebrate with me since Brandon isn't allowed to come to appointments. Thanks Rona. I expected to have Brandon on Facetime as we found out together. BUT in reality, I went in alone, my amazing nurses wished me luck as they took my blood, then I left. No one to talk to. I would get the results in an hour or two. AN HOUR OR TWO...as though waiting two whole weeks wasn't enough. We would have to wait another couple of hours.

As we waited, we took all the pictures. We wanted to remember every part of this day. The day our dream came true, the day we officially would be a family of three just as our heart believed. This day would change everything. We were just oozing with hope. We should have hit the road to go home, but we had a feeling to celebrate each moment. I'm thankful for that feeling. If I've learned anything on this journey, it's that IVF robs you of excitement because each step is a possibility, not a guarantee. It seems there's more setbacks with infertility than victories. There are some victories, just not in ways we expect.

We got the call just under the 2 hour mark. I had the call on the car speakers. We were holding hands, excitement was in the air until we heard nurse H's tone. She told us that my HCG was high enough to detect a pregnancy but the number was not where they would typically like to see it, so I would need another test on Monday morning to confirm the pregnancy. Nurse H asked us if we could stick in town for the test, so they could get rapid results. We said we'd call her back.

Have you had a moment that just stops you? Where it just rips your heart from your chest? You feel a numbness that leads you to thinking this can't be happening...not to you, no way, not now. Then I look at Brandon, He was okay. He grabbed my hand tighter and whispered, "there's still a chance, we got this." I cried while he was thankfully unshaken.

We decided to just stay in town for the results since our town just doesn't get results as quick. We didn't have an overnight bag, so we had to order from Target curbside for basic necessities. We called and texted our people to pray and praise God that we are indeed pregnantish. Brandon is great about making the most of any situation. We did what most people do when they wait...we started watching Harry Potter in our hotel room. One day we even saw a drive in pop up across the street from our hotel and they just so happened to be playing the Harry Potter movie we were just about to watch. So we went to the movie, the first movie we have been to since quarantine began. Just as we did in the two week wait, we rejoiced in our blessing and relaxed while waiting.

The evening of July 11th, I got a call from my sister that would change our plans. My grandpa who had fought a valiant fight with Dementia found victory in the arms of our Savior. My grandpa was my only living grandpa, so when he got sick, it was hard for me to see him like that. It reminded me of when my Memo, his wife, was sick and passed away. I was only 18 and processing grief as a baby Christian is tough. Here I am, 29, feeling those same emotions, and probably more because of the hormonal cocktail I was on and processing grief was difficult. We decided to drive 5 hours to be with my mom, to hug her neck, and to wipe her tears because we know she's wiped mine more than enough times. We wanted to just be sure she was okay...Remember, I'm not supposed to stress. 5 hours allows one all the time to cry and process every emotion possible. Meanwhile, Brandon reminded me of the jokes my grandpa told him or how he would treat him all goofy. That Brandon Brooks is a ray of sunshine in the storm, y'all. He knows that my tears are valid, but also brings hope as though it's his job to lead me to the eye in my storm.

The next day I called Dr. C's office and told them I would need to do the test in our hometown. They understood and sent the orders to a lab. My labs were scheduled for the 13th. Luckily, this time my reality was in check and I knew I would walk in take the test and wait patiently for the results. Nurse H told me it could take a few days since Dr. C has to read the results before they call. So we were prepared.

7:30 a.m. July 13th Brandon drove me to the lab. We planned on being there right as it opened to be the first ones and to avoid seeing people because of COVID. Well they didn't have the orders or an email for me to send the one I had on my portal. There's no greater frustration than to show up somewhere and they're not prepared...Like come on. They should know it's a big day for me. Okay...they don't know and I should extend grace. Believe me, I'm working on it! We drove home, printed the orders, then went back.

The Call

We didn't get the call until late afternoon on the 14th. This call caused our universe to shake as though it might just shatter. I remember looking at Brandon and hearing every other word as though I wasn't coherent. I saw Brandon's bright shining face as Nurse H said something like, "Hello...HCG dropping... not pregnant ANYMORE... Dr. C Zoom Friday...Sorry...Questions?" I looked at him and he felt the pain from my eyes, the heart break in my voice, and held me to keep me from shattering.

As I looked up at my faith filled husband, I saw for the first time he felt the same feelings I did. I hugged him tighter, kissed him softer, and I don't think I loved him as much as I did in that moment where we cried together. Going through this together has made us stronger. Sadness embraced us, hopelessness was our companion, we are broken completely...again.

Friday the 16th Dr. C prepped me for what would happen next. I learned it's called a chemical miscarriage. In IVF, you take shots that builds up the uterine lining, so the cycle after is filled with cramps and other unpleasantness. She then told me first and foremost that I am capable of being pregnant, and in times where this happens it is often due to the quality of the embryo. It felt like, "oh it isn't you, it's me" scenario. For me hearing that didn't ease my heartbreak. For Brandon it brought hope. You give any type of good news to him, and he holds on to it proudly and reminds me of it. We asked what she suggested. What we could do to get more eggs? What can we do to get a healthy embryo? Dr. C suggested an egg donor, or changing our protocol for another round. We decided on trying one more time for our eggs.

At the end of our call, I looked at Brandon and asked him if he thought we could do this all over again. We concluded with knowing this is our new normal and just because it hasn't led us where we think we should be doesn't mean God isn't doing something for our good. Just because we can't see it right now doesn't mean it isn't happening. Though sadness consumed us, we knew it was okay because that was only for a moment. Even Jesus wept having a moment of sadness. Even our Savior took a moment to process his emotions. So why couldn't we? I'm thankful for having a living relationship with Jesus because I don't think we could have made it without him. This may seem like a never ending valley and even here in the valley, we aren't alone. There will still be a victory here. We were created to walk through this with Jesus. To learn a lesson only we can learn, to be molded by it, to be transformed, to walk alongside others as they too go through this, and most of all to know Jesus through it.

So here we are a month and a week later, still waiting. Round 4 coming at you any day now. I will be right back on the train telling you of my testimony. If you're sad for us and wonder why we're openly writing our story, know the answer is Jesus. There's a common misconception that Christians have a perfect life, but I'm here to say nope, not a chance. This life will bring trials of all kinds (1 Peter 1:6, James 1:2), but there is a promise of how to overcome. We will overcome by the blood of the lamb, Jesus, AND the word of our testimony! For us sharing our story with the world isn't about Instagram followers, likes on Facebook, or members to this site, no. It is about overcoming. Declaring that one day we will have our precious angel baby and she will be a testimony of how great our God is. IVF is the hardest thing we have ever done, but if it is all for Jesus' name to be lifted higher, we're for it. All of it.

Round 4 we're ready.