Then & Now
- A Brooks
- Aug 25, 2021
- 5 min read
2020 is a year that will stand out for multiple reasons. There has been injustice displayed almost constantly, pandemic madness from maskers to anti-maskers, great losses, victories, new beginnings...you name it, 2020 showed up.
July 6th, 2020 we found out our first transfer was successful! 9 months ago from this very day that I am writing this post, we found out I was pregnant for the first time. Our baby Hope was with us and we thought our dream was on the way to coming true! In that moment, there was only victory, no matter the concern. We were pregnant, f i n a l l y. But on the 9th, we would find out my HCG would drop. As quickly as our dream came, it faded away. Wrecked by a single call, our Hope was lost.
In 9 months since our heartache, we have experienced every emotion. Some days I chose joy, though joy was the farthest thing I felt. Brandon would patiently encourage me in his true optimistic way. I sure love that man of mine. Every single day I prayed for strength for the day. Strength to forgive my body for betraying me, strength that comes in the form of peace, strength that can only come from my Savior. I can say that in everyday, He was my strength because each day leading up to this 9 month mark seem to have flown by with unexpected provision. Each day closer to this potential due date of our Hope seemed unimaginable. The reality that we are here without our baby to hold was/ is our unfathomable reality. How can we have been so close, yet the farthest away we have ever felt to our dream of having a family?
Today, my sweet mentor reminded me how Jesus knew He would die a death He didn't deserve in the place of undeserving people, such as you reading this and me writing this, yet He was w i l l i n g and t h a n k f u l. Jesus was willing to walk the hardest journey imaginable and would do it again. Here I stand feeling as though this journey we are on is incredibly unfair and painful. I have spent 9 months incredibly sad and relentlessly angry. Sure, there were moments I experienced pure joy, but for the most part, I was not in my best form. Today, when K reminded me of Jesus, it hit me hard. Yes, our journey is painful. Yes it makes no sense, Yet, even now He is good.
Today, 08.25.2021, I sit and read the words I shamefully spilled about my first miscarriage. I was so angry writing those words. I did not want to share my experience. I was not at acceptance, and April 2021 wasn't that long ago. The tears I shed in April and May longing to hold the angel babies we never will on this side of eternity stings each day. So what is so good about 08.25.2020? Well it was the day I woke up to a message from my RE asking me to take a pregnancy test. I remember crying to Brandon, saying it is torture to make someone who has never received a positive pregnancy test to take one, but I screamed when it said "pregnant". We would find out at the OB we we're a little over 5 weeks. I was pregnant for 5 weeks and too depressed to know. I remember calling my best girlfriend crying. She reminded me that all things are possible and to just relax. I remember being so excited. I remember this one day we had joy. 08.25.2020 was the best.
I told Brandon "What do we do when our dreams are a reality?" That was the best feeling. We did it. Without medicine. Without knowing it. We had Peyton in my womb. But as suddenly as that dream came to be, the nightmare that unfolded would stay with me for the rest of my days. 08.25.2020, came with 08.27.2020 of progesterone dropping and HCG not increasing. My OB called to tell me it would "just be a miscarriage." Those words to this day ring in my ears. I remember breaking the rules and calling my RE's personal phone. She told me to get to her ASAP for testing. But on 08.30.2021 it was confirmed, we would lose Peyton as quickly as we knew of him. I say him because in my heart I felt like he was a boy. We named him because he was real. He will always be our dream baby. We will probably miss him every day, and that is okay,
Today I reflected on all we have been through in 4 short months.. We have ventured into adoption twice with no avail, that loss hurts just as bad. Knowing someone willingly chose someone else. We are okay though. We believe without a doubt that God has a plan for those babies and that plan didn't include us as their parents. Still, we have trotted on this path to parenthood. We did our 5th infertility treatment round this August, and I felt positive about it. Yes, the sad sap that has spilled her guts to you was for once positive and optimistic about the unknowingly last cycle, My husband however was not. He took the loss of the adoptions hard, so he told me he was not going to be optimistic this time. Our roles reversed. Retrieval was 08.15.2021. They retrieved 7 eggs! The girl who makes at most 2 eggs, had 7. Of the 7, 6 fertilized, of the 6 fertilized, 4 are frozen healthy embryos!
YES, we have 4 embryos!
The reminder of our loss today wrecked me, I woke up crying, my body just knew. I cried on my way to work. My tears I've shed for our dream are real. When I was crying while driving to work, one song came on as though to torment me. See a Victory by Elevation. I love that song, but not in the moment of grieving my baby. How can I see a victory through my sorrow? This morning I did not see a way for Him to "turn what the enemy meant for evil to good." But, this afternoon, cycle day 1 is here. That means the very timing we are awaiting for my transfer cycle is here. TODAY on what is a hard reminder. Wouldn't that be God though, the redemptive love of our Savior has redeemed our brokenness on our "bad day." Only God could write our story in a way where our hardest day is changed to a joyful one. Not because we will forget about Peyton, but because God is faithful he knows our heart and how we long to hold Peyton, so He has made a victory out of what was meant to be a devastating.
Our next steps towards parenthood starts today. Even now I'm crying thinking about how broken I am from the reality of not holding my baby, yet He is making a way for me to try again. How can one of my hardest days in my life be turned into something good? Only through God. That's how,
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