Beginning Brooks: The Journey of Hope

We dated for 5 years, and learned more about ourselves than we ever expected. In that 5 years, the Lord did mighty things. He restored relationships through us. He taught us that love looked like serving, caring, patience, and encouraging in the midst of hard times. Most of all, He taught us to patiently wait and trust His timing. Who knew waiting would be a theme in our life?

Brandon proposed on 11/11/15 and we were eager to begin our journey as the new Brookses in town. We had so much hope for what our family would look like, feel like, and be like. Who the new Brooks family would be in our eyes was a dream awaiting to come true. I remember talking through these dreams as though they were just around the corner.

For me, this picture reminds me of where hope began for us. The pure excitement of what forever would unfold for us was thrilling. So much love, joy, excitement, and expectation all in that one frame. Can a single picture really live up to that hype though? Can you think of moments like that? So much hope held within one snap. The hope you see in this picture and hopefully sense in these words is real. Yes, we still remain hopeful. Even today, 4 years later, that hope remains even though our plans have significantly changed.

May 28, 2016 we began our newest journey together. The journey into our hopes and dreams began. There's nothing that could stop us from building the life we prayed and dreamed about. 4 years ago I married my best friend. He knows my heart in a way that can only be described as knowing me to my core. He wants me to have everything that we dreamed about, especially a family. As for me, I couldn't even begin to dream such dreams until he stepped into my life. Every part of our life together is my dream come true. The moment we walked out of our wedding reception, our future dreams became a reality. I remember those tired kids leaving their epic party; they thought life together would be even better than the party that began it. What a fun memory to know your best friend would walk with you through forever. Do you have moments where a picture just takes you back? What a joy that is to live to have a memory that brings so much joy. Man, I love Brandon...I'm beyond thankful God brought us together!

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Here we are 4 years later. We still have hope and we're still believing in miracles even more than the dreams we had in the beginning. We didn't know what was to unfold along our journey. We had a lot of moments where we thought we were pregnant only to see negative after negative after negative. It took 2 years of those negatives to lead us to get a check up with a doctor. In October 2018, we went to my gynecologist. She wasn't worried. She sent me to get labs, a sono, and we would reconvene to discuss what she found. Nothing. No answer. She told us to not stress, keep tracking my cycle, keep TRYING, and she even gave me a fertility diet. That was clearly the advice and answer we wanted...I mean sure there's no harm in trying, but was it wrong that we wanted an answer? It's like showing up to your favorite pizza place to get a pizza and they give you the ingredients instead, without a recipe. Figuring out how to make the pizza will be a blast, but what happens when you don't end up making a pizza? Maybe that's why she suggested I could go to a fertility specialist. I scheduled the appointment because I just wanted to be sure all was well.

End of May- June 2019

That was the soonest they could get us in. We went. We did all the tests. My doctor wanted me to track my cycle and to see me the first day. I called in June on the first day. I went in and he casually told me I could possibly have endometrium cancer. IT WRECKED ME. I cried the whole ride home. I jammed out to Highlands by Hillsong United. In my life when things are bad, I respond with worship...full out...loudly...ugly crying. I recommend it. Sometimes worship songs change to anything I can sing at the top of my lungs and cry. It helps, I promise. Try it and let me know how it goes. You can even share the song. After that diagnosis...I just stopped. I felt broken. I felt like it was my fault. I couldn't bring myself to go in for a follow up. I just felt as though trying wasn't an option.

August 2019

After crying and talking with a friend on a random Monday, she suggested I get a second opinion. Mostly she taunted me by telling me that I usually don't give up so easily. Get you friends that make you better! It's literally the one thing I've learned in these 29 years of life.

That day I called a fertility clinic I found randomly, yet with a purpose. I searched for good reviews and such...I'm not going to just anyone. Though I was hopeless, I still had standards. I found a doctor 5 hours away. I called them at 3pm with literally 0 expectations. In my mind there was 0 chance they would get me in sooner than a month. The voice on the other end of the phone told me they could get me in that Thursday. I took the appointment. I hung up the phone and cried. What if this doctor said the same thing? The fear of being disappointed again was crushing me. The thought that I might not be able to live my dream was a hard reality. We went to the appointment. Dr. C, which I'll call her to allow for confidentiality, was more than we expected. God literally brought this doctor to us. The way she talked to us was just what we needed. She spoke to us in a way where it seemed like we were included in the decisions she already made about the tests she was doing, and openly shared information about the tests. Get a doctor who includes you, it feels special to be included even if you didn't go through the many years of medical school. She did labs, a sono, and then did something different. This was our fist appointment with her...and she decided to biopsy my endometrium because it looked abnormal. I wasn't prepared for how bad it hurt. I wasn't prepared for how many tests I would have along the journey that would be painful. The results from the biopsy wouldn't come for a few days. We call that miracle #1 along the journey of hope, and I'll tell that story at a later time.

After the procedure, we would go into her office where she would diagnose us both with infertility. Ready or not, we had answers. This diagnosis was based on the culmination of all the tests she did and from other tests we brought in with us. The word "infertile" pierced my soul, and knocked out any breathe I had within me. Who knew a single word could stop everything? A single word changed our plans, changed who we are, and would define us. One word, so powerful, so crippling, yet not enough to keep us from knowing what to hope in. In that moment of brokenness, we felt comforted that we were on the right path. I know what you're thinking. How are you saying this word that had the power to crush you...didn't? We believe that infertility is a struggle, but it's not too big for Jesus to walk through with us.

Hope is crazy because it's believing in something that doesn't make sense. Hoping in what will happen before it does is hard, but worth it. I can't imagine a life without hope. I can't imagine walking this journey without knowing where my hope comes from.

Our hope is an anchor in the Lord. He brought us to the doctor that would lead us to the right treatment. Dr. C would cry with us, encourage us, and hope just as much as we do for a miracle. Brandon and I's hope is a side effect to following Christ. It doesn't make sense, but when you see a miracle...when you feel His presence...you can't help but hope.

We are 1 out of 8 couples diagnosed with infertility. We decided to go with IVF. We are blessed enough to be able to afford such treatment. It's a weird thing to say "blessed" since IVF means to voluntarily give myself shots...everyday...sometimes twice a day. "Blessed" means having headaches, and moods that are uncontrollable at times. Truly, to me "blessed" means more than I can explain.

This IVF journey began the way our journey began. Together. Hopeful in the pursuit of our forever; trusting God to change the plan for our good.