Round 2: Builder of Faith

Two weeks after our first round, we were ready to embark on round 2. My doctor put me on medicine to start my cycle for the next round.

I can honestly say that with each cycle of hormones, I never had emotional ups or downs. For the most part, I was sleepy and that's it. We believe that I wasn't emotional because Brandon and I prayed specifically to not let my hormones rule me. I acknowledged when emotions were bubbling up and would stop and pray. I did have random fits where commercials would make me cry or even laugh uncontrollably. I mean come on, some of those commercials tug at anyone's heart.

November 2019

This round, Dr. C had a different method to help stimulate my follicle growth. She upped my Follistim and Menopur, and added HGH. Since the last IVF, we knew and were more prepared that I have low follicular count. This round, we were continually praying quality over quantity. Each scan was the same as the last, even with the addition of HGH. One day, we had 7 follicles on scan 3 of 5. We were expectant, and so was Dr. C.

Retrieval numero dos would be the day before Thanksgiving, November 27th. We were excited and ready for this round. Everything inside of us knew we would get our precious miracle this time. WE WERE READY!

The day came and we had 2 eggs at retrieval and they both fertilized!! 100% of our eggs retrieved FERTILIZED, that doesn't happen. Clearly, this was a miracle from God! Praise the LORD!! This would be the most at any retrieval we'd ever have. When Dr. C told me we had 2, we knew this was our double portion that was spoken over us! We knew, that we knew, that we knew! We told our family at Thanksgiving. When you have big faith, you speak of it to continue its growth. We all celebrated.

Quick biology lesson for all those who are wondering. When your egg fertilizes, you get phone calls on its progression Day 1, Day 3, and Day 5. On Day 3, they need to be multi-celled from 6-8. By Day 5, it needs to be a blastocyst of many cells.

Day 3, they were right on track! Our faith grew and we worshipped harder! We knew in our heart that this time was different. We were so excited and thanked God for the miracle of 2 embryos. We remained steadfast and hopeful awaiting the next call.

Day 5, I was working when got the call. They grew so fast on Day 3, but they hadn't changed since then. The embryologist told me they would give them another day to catch up. I ugly cried y'all. This call rocked me to my core. I called my husband of great faith to tell him. I cried all out and I probably looked crazy. Brandon said in true Brandon fashion, "Why are you crying? We have one more day. Let's be thankful for one more day that was given to our 2 embryos." As for me, I was SCARED, What if the embryologist was right and they stopped growing for real? This would be my distraction from focusing my eyes on Jesus, my Peter moment. Peter was called on the water. He walked on water...until he noticed the waves. That was me. I noticed the waves. The beautiful thing about Jesus is he saves us instantly when we feel like the waves are too much.

Then next day, I flew to M.D. Anderson for my mom's cancer check up. It's only appropriate that I was with her when I got the call. This call would be the one most devastating, heart shattering call I would ever answer. The voice on the phone asked how I was doing. Hint #1. I said, "Good, whats the news?" The voice said, "I'm sorry Mrs. Brooks. nothing changed from the last check. WE HAVE TO DISPOSE OF THEM NOW." DISPOSE...the word she used to twist the dagger deeper into my heart. I cried as I stepped outside the Black Walnut Cafe. I called Brandon to tell him the news. We cried together. I then had to go back in to tell my mom. We cried more.

The hardest thing would follow when we had to tell our people the news. They tried the best they could to comfort us. The only thing those of us on this journey want to hear is support, and if you don't know how, simply ask, "How can I support you?" Here's quick tips of what NOT to say when someone has let you in their struggle with infertility:

• Just don't stress, you'll have a baby one way or another.

• Don't y'all want to adopt anyways?

• Maybe God is telling you something. (This one is hard because God is a good father who gives good gifts to his children. He knows our heart and he wants what is good for us.)

• Oh no, I loved them already. (if you must say this, maybe refrain from telling the people who lost everything they believed for. It is extremely uncomfortable to have to comfort someone else through the loss you had.)

Now, I understand there are many interpretations of life, and I'd love to discuss that with you if you have questions. In the moment that those eggs fertilized they were alive. God created them, just as He creates any living thing. We lost our babies, babies I would never carry, that we would never meet. As quick as the sadness fell, so did the same overwhelming comfort. We knew that though this time we suffered great loss, God is still good and is still working all things out for our good.

We would have our last face to face follow up with Dr. C about this IVF cycle a week later. Dr. C recommended two things: a donor egg, or to take a cycle off. We made it clear a donor wasn't an option and she respected our decision. Dr. C knew us. She knew I wanted this baby more than anything and just like the incredible physician that she is, she told me to rest to prepare for the next round. We did so, mostly because I felt shattered.

I had a friend tell me I didn't have to be "strong". It was "okay to mourn." Even Jesus wept. So I wept. Losing our embryos was the hardest pain I have ever felt and I couldn't handle it without crying constantly to the Father. The reality was too much to handle. We couldn't handle it, so we surrendered our broken hearts to the Father. In that moment, where we felt like we lost everything, He healed us, He restored us in His timing. A little at a time. The Lord would use December & January to prepare my heart by refining those areas, so that every part of me was His, even the hopeless part. I'm thankful for all the Lord has done in me. Those 2 months were sweet, but they were not pretty. I probably looked worse than a hobbit, but my Father wiped away every tear and would whisper to us to trust him. He's got this. Our faith was strengthened in a way I can only describe as but Jesus. We were heart broken, but Jesus loved us through it. We were immeasurably sad, but Jesus brought us hope.

In IVF there's this community of warriors. We know the struggle of baby announcements from those we love, the literal stabbing when someone says we "accidentally" got pregnant, the stare from babies as though they know we want to have our very own, and the lie the enemy tells us that we're broken.

Lies have power over you if you realize it or not, and sometimes they take root. When I heard our 2 embryos needed another day, I let fear creep in that moment. I'm not saying I'm the reason our babies didn't make it, no. I'm saying I had that moment that rocked my faith that would forever be a stone in my mind where I learned to never waiver. Our mind is powerful and should be submitted to the Lord. Our God is so good that even when we doubt, He's already made a way to strengthen the area where we lack faith.

What would happen next, strengthened us even more.