Round 3: Waiting with a Broken Hope

This next round, I was NOT in a positive headspace. I was more in a "well okay we can try again, I suppose" kinda place. I was defeated before the battle even began.

I told Brandon I would do one more round, but I was unaware how or if I could deal with more heartache. The problem with hoping is you want to hope alongside others, so they can partner with you through the good and the bad. We're blessed with an amazing support system of family and friends, but when what you're believing together for doesn't happen, it's discouraging. It sucks entirely when we have to tell all our people bad news. Even more so, telling your parents. It's like an icicle that falls straight into the heart. It's cold, painful, and shatters as it administers the blow.

Then, there's Brandon. He hopes and dreams for the best ALL THE TIME. If you don't have someone who is blessed with the spiritual gift of optimism in your life, chances are you are that person...or you need to find that person! It's worth it I promise. Brandon is hopeful in the bravest way, especially when he told me, "we’ve got this. God is not finished yet." Man, to live with the assurance Brandon always has must be a dream. I'm thankful he is in my life. He is truly the best part of me.

Since I did two rounds back to back, my doctor recommended one cycle off and then the next one we’d do a natural start for retrieval. I had one cycle mid December. It was the one we would take off. So we celebrated Christmas awaiting our next cycle. Celebrating your favorite holiday during the waiting is tough, but possible.

But after that cycle, nothing.

Mid January came with a naive expectancy from us...we thought maybe we’re pregnant naturally! My cycle was late and in normal circumstances, that’s what anyone thinks. We were blissfully naive...again hopeful to start our family! I called Dr. C with excitement. She told me to get a pregnancy test done at the doctor because the hormones I'm on can sometimes mess with home pregnancy tests. So, I went to my gyno/OBGYN for the test. I was so excited. People have gotten pregnant after trying IVF, so maybe that would be our story too!

They did the test and another BIG FAT NEGATIVE hit me in the face...not pregnant, AGAIN. My anemia was out of control, which messes with your cycle in two ways. Either your cycle lasts tooooo long or doesn't come. I was prescribed more iron.

After the medicine kicked in, my cycle started the beginning of February!

Before I jump in with our February cycle, there's 2 things you should know.

First, at the job I had, I was planning a marriage conference and thought I should go to a big marriage conference for tips. I bought us tickets to the XO conference at Gateway church. I was so excited, but clearly not overwhelmingly because I would forget about it as soon as we had another option.

Second, we were invited to Colorado with my family for a fun vacation. It would be over Valentine's Day, the same time as the conference. Playing in the snow sounded like a lot more fun than a conference, so we decided to go to Colorado! We have never been to Colorado together, we love to travel, and I love a good snowy picture!

February 2020

Quickly we realized our snowy vacation would change. On the 6th, my cycle started, which meant see you later snow angel pictures and hello stim shots! I was excited in a cautious way. We would come into town to do this cycle just as we did the last 2. I had my baseline scan on the 8th and everything looked about the same, so we were ready to go. Let me just say, by round 3, you are a pro at shots. I was aware what shot would burn and which one wouldn't. I traded in my cute winter clothes for headaches and uncontrollable sleep. It would all be worth it in the end.

While we were planning out our week with the daily appointments, it hit us both. We would be close to where the XO conference was happening, so we decided we should go. In a way, we combined plan 1 and retrieval! What could be better? Isn't it crazy how God works things out?

AND Brandon planned a romantic date night on the 13th since we would be going to the XO conference on Valentine's Day. He's the best. He even

took me shopping at Evereve, where I had a personal stylist. She made me feel special and Brandon loved the outfits I tried on...or he acted like he loved me spending his money. Have I told y'all I love Brandon so much? Because I do. He's my favorite Valentine.

I had labs and sonos on the 14th & 15th, and after we would head to the conference. Yes, we were late each session, but we enjoyed ourselves. We ran into people who were late too, and thankfully, so they could take our picture and we could take theirs. The conference was amazing. We heard great speakers, worship was legit, every single part was intentional...which I loved.

It was fun, even if I had to bring my meds with me and administer them in the family bathroom at break time. It was a marriage conference...no one brought their kids, so no one should need to use the family bathroom, right? Okay, okay, okay, I felt judged taking shots in a bathroom at a church, but mind your business people! It was for a good reason. We were in the Lord's house and I know He understood my need to use the diaper changing area as a table for my shots. I bet no one even noticed as much as I thought they did.

The night event to end the conference on Saturday was fireworks, desserts, and hot beverages. Brandon and I love fireworks. We've dreamed of doing a firework as our gender reveal. How fun would that be? See it shoot up in the sky either blue or pink. One day, we will do it! While we were watching the fireworks, music played. GREAT music. Stuff you wouldn't expect at a Christian conference...like the Jonas Brothers, Dan + Shay, Ed Sheeran, and John Legend. We danced under the fireworks with all these couples around us. It was our favorite Valentine's weekend so far.

Something about this round felt different. Maybe it was the conference that was added into the mix. We were building our marriage up and trying to create our family at the same time. We just felt surrounded with hope. I highly recommend a conference before IVF, it really puts you in a better head and heart space.

Trigger Time

You should know my ovaries are special. I have one that has all the eggs and one that just doesn't. Sometimes good ol' righty has one, but mostly she has none. At my last scan, I had about 6 follicles that were promising and at least 3 measuring at 20 or above. That's prime time. We were ready. This time would be different. We would trigger and 3 days later would be the retrieval that would define our journey.

Day of Retrieval

We would have retrieval on the 21st. We went in like we always did, full of hope. Dr. C told us she was praying for us. We were amazed. She had said things passively where we thought she was a believer, but never outright said something like this.

Have you ever had a moment where you just couldn't believe what was happening? Something like, "No way, I found 5 dollars!" Or even, "No way, I lost 5 dollars!" Yeah, that feeling. That's what I woke up to.

Dr. C uses anesthesia during the retrieval. Most doctors do, so it's normal. I was completely knocked out for retrieval. Dr. C told me I had ONE egg. ONE, and I shook my head...rolled my eyes...and cried. Before I was even cognitively awake. I was still coming out of anesthesia, yet my bodily response was NOPE. When I came to and Dr. C told me again, I cried. I cried because my heart felt like it broke instantly. We had already had the one that didn't fertilize that crushed our hopes. I was mad. We didn't tell anyone anything. After I was discharged, we left.

I cried out to God hopelessly. Meanwhile, Brandon was praising God for the ONE! Man, he was faithful and spoke truth over that one little egg. While we were driving home, the lab called. Good ol' little ONE eggy FERTILIZED! If you're counting with us, we've had 4 eggs total after 3 rounds and 3 fertilize. We didn't tell anyone, and weren't until after this one made it...if it even did. For me, this was a struggle. Praying every night for this lil ONE to grow and hoping for this to happen was hard because I was afraid. What if this was like the last round? I didn't think I could handle these overwhelming emotions. I cried out to God almost every second of every day during the waiting. This round was hard for me. Waiting is never easy, but waiting with a broken hope is even harder.

Day 3

They told us she (we call our little embaby a she so it feels real...clearly we want a baby girl) was at 7 cells where she was supposed to be and they would give her until day 6 to check for embryo status. Our other 2 were given another day after day 5 didn't look promising, but still the extra day didn't work. Sometimes when they check the embryos, it interferes with the growth. So we wouldn't get another call until day 6. 3 days to wait...72 hours of feeling every emotion possible.

Day 6

I was subbing at a preschool that I love. It was their picture day. Annnd my most adorable little niece and nephew just so happen to attend this preschool, so I got to see them take the cutest pictures. I love those lil babes so much. It seemed to be a great day...except for the whole deafening fear that was crushing me little by little as every minute passed waiting for the call. It was 11 am when I got the call. "Hello, Amber Brooks. I have some good news for you! You have ONE strong embryo." I cried. Those 2 year olds probably thought I was crazy. I called Brandon. He was excited and brought me lunch to celebrate!

The thing is, I gave up on the possibility of an embryo the moment I heard the word ONE. I cried uncontrollably from defeat. I had a lack of hope and a lack of faith. BUT then Jesus swept in, yet again. His word says, ""My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me," 2 Corinthians 12:9. How incredible is it that my weakness was made strong by a grace I DIDN'T DESERVE. I am thankful for the grace of God and the love of a father to give his children good gifts.

We told everyone and repented to the Lord for not doing so in the beginning. His name will and is magnified in our journey, first and foremost. He gave us our ONE. He alone can give grace so freely to the undeserving. I cry in awe of how blessed we are. Praise God for our ONE.

Our next step would change everything. Thanks, Rona.