The Path into the Unknown is Paved: Round 1

The first lesson you learn is waiting. I confess I don't mind waiting, but it kills a part of my soul when I have to wait longer than I think I should. Just ask Brandon about the 5 year wait until he proposed. He was trusting in God's timing. Meanwhile, I was over here crying about it never happening. Just know I am not a fan of waiting. If you are, you are stronger than I am. Waiting is one of my biggest weaknesses.

So here we are on this journey and little did I know, it would be the beginning of the longest waiting game of MY LIFE. Waiting for test results, waiting for medicine to work, waiting for your cycle to start, waiting for the nurse to call you with instructions, waiting for the embryologist to call you with updates. For me, waiting has literally turned from a fun anticipation, to a mockery of hope. But hope remains nonetheless.

Dr. C called us the very next day after our first appointment, my biopsy came back normal. This would be the first blessing that paved our unknown path! This girl just has thick lining...NO CANCER! PRAISE THE LORD! We cried while buckling our seatbelts as we began the longest, most uncontrollable roller coaster ride towards baby Brooks.

We went in for months of scans in preparation for our IVF cycle to start. I became best friends with the phlebotomists and nurses. I have been truly encouraged by them. They're the sweetest medical staff. While this is their job, they want to help us as much as we want to have our miracle baby. They are the kindest souls. I might have been the patient that brought them treats because I just appreciate them. I encourage you to do that as well! Show appreciation to those who are working relentlessly for your good.

After months of tests to prepare, Dr. C brought us into her office once again. The same one where she diagnosed us with infertility. Dr. C found that I only have one good ovary that produced follicles. One ovary to work with. She encouraged us that it's still possible! BUT there are options, such as egg donors if we wanted to go that route. I cried as Brandon stepped up and told her we would try to use my eggs no matter the quantity. He said, "you've told us all along it's quality over quantity so we're believing in quality." Dr. C agreed, and we would go forward with round 1!

All we needed was faith the size of a mustard seed for quality eggs.

October 2019

We started our first round of medications. We started with 3 weeks of BC and then we would enter into the realm of shots...and not the fun tequila kind. I sure wish alcohol was allowed on this journey, but alas, I would not see a fun shot of any kind for a while.

When cycle day 1 came, it was out of the blue. I was so excited as I left my class to fend for themselves with the sub. I went on a 12 day retreat that would hopefully lead us a step closer to baby Brooks. Little did I know, this journey is a marathon, not a sprint.

Blessing #2 was on the horizon as my husband was lucky enough to work while we were out of town at one of the offices located near where we received treatment. We found a cute Airbnb to stay at and we were planning to do just as all the blogs say to "make the most out of the journey." We thought we were ready for whatever this round would throw a us.

Before I jump into the unexpected blessing #3, my mom, it's important to know a little about her. When I was born, my mom called me her "Angel from God" aka "Ange." I'm the youngest of 3, so clearly I'm her favorite. Best for last right, mom? She told me growing up that God knew she needed me in her life and that I would need her in mine. My mom is one strong MOTHER. She is a breast cancer survivor. I've seen her go through the hardest things bravely. In our family, she's there whenever you need her, or whenever she thinks you need her.

Naturally, when we had to leave for 12 days in a new city she decided to come take care of us. It's what she does,. Taking care of her children is a part of who she is.

I know what you're thinking. Do you really need your mom? Wasn't it awkward? Didn't you want to be alone? To be honest, I don't think we would have wanted it any other way. We didn't ask her to come, and we might have been sassy she was coming with us, but she is a blessing we didn't know we needed.

She documented EVERY. SINGLE. SHOT. She gave Brandon peace when he had to give me a shot though I was freaking out. Shots are serious business. I hate needles...I mean who likes needles? After each shot my mom would give us high fives. When I say she made us celebrate, I mean it. As we high five'd after each shot, it became easier. My mom did our laundry. She made us go out on dates almost every night. We probably watched every movie out and tried all kinds of fun food.

If I'm honest, I was worried more than I wanted to have fun. I wanted to read every article/book on IVF (I mean I did this, just not the whole time like I wanted). I wanted to be cautious about talking about this journey. I wanted to keep this IVF stuff between us and our family only. The Lord didn't want that...hence the blog. (I'll get to that in another post.) My mom continuously made us feel and act normal in an uncommon circumstance. I'm thankful she brought a sense of normalcy to us.

When we would go in for our follicle scans every other day, my mom would go with us. She would wait in the waiting room (as pictured). She would celebrate every step. Her and Brandon are some of the most hopeful people in my life. Though I was emotional, I leaned into the celebrations. Hope is the least thing I could do and was the only thing I could control.

Our first appointment after starting meds, Dr. C discovered that the cyst in my good ovary was growing. We were aware it was there, but it was so small. She told us not to worry about it. It was only one cyst, and we would go forward with treatment. Dr. C did our scans each time, and my follicles were growing right on track. Remember, we're hoping for quality because we clearly didn't have quantity. The day of my trigger shot, Dr. C told us I had 3 good sized follicles. We knew there was a possibility of not getting a single egg, but we were good to go. We trusted God would give us quality.

1st Retrieval

November 3, 2019

Dr. C drained my cyst and 3 follicles resulting in 1 egg. We left and more waiting began. Around 3 p.m. we would get an earth shattering call. Our egg wasn't viable and didn't fertilize. We had neither quality or quantity. This was a pivotal moment for us. I remember the exact place, the exact words of the embryologist, and I remember the rain had stopped for a moment. I hung up and Dr. C called me. I could tell she was driving as she told us, "I'm so sorry. I know you're not feeling great (I didn't react well to the anesthesia and puked for the next 24 hrs) physically or emotionally, but I can tell you're strong. We can try again. It will be okay." I cried even more. Dr. C is another blessing that paved this path. This was the first of many interactions where we felt truly blessed by her. I hope you have a doctor like her because it's worth it. She's truly amazing.

Our hope felt crushed and nothing can compare to the mixture of physical & emotional pain I felt in that moment. I still cry looking at that picture, remembering the hurt. I was angry and in pain. I was mad at God. In that moment of tears, Brandon embraced me. We both felt comforted. It was a feeling I can't explain. We felt surrounded in warmth like there was someone else hugging us. Someone who knew our hearts were breaking, yet they held all the pieces together to prevent it from shattering into a million pieces. In that moment, my anger slipped away but my sadness remained.

When I opened my eyes, Brandon told me we were okay, God's with us. I cried and agreed. In that moment of brokenness we praised Him for being a Father who holds the broken together. For us, this brokenness was more than we ever expected, but it didn't break us. Our brokenness became a place of healing, a place of growth, a place to speak life into, a place that would build us into becoming who He created us to be.

Even in the brokenness, in the heartache, we didn't lose hope. We would try another round at the next cycle.